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discovering and reflecting, first trimester with my first born photo by Colin A. Danville

discovering and reflecting on who this child will be
photo by Colin A. Danville

When you become a mother, life expands from the center of your being. That space where once you were the star of your universe opens up. To reveal there is something other than you. Into this void, into the womb, a new being grows into its space. And there that child–and any future children–stay forever. A home will grow inside your body for someone you have never met, but who you are still inextricably linked to. And to think, you’ve been connected to this child before the physical manifestation of embryo, of fetus, of baby.

You will want to know so much about this person. You will want to know that you are doing everything right so that they come into the world happy, healthy, whole. You will spend long stretches of time thinking about things you will not know until the moment comes for you to know. But you will wonder anyway. And this wondering will make you warm inside, even as it stimulates a gnawing curiosity that keeps you up late in the nights.

Even before you are visibly with child, the work of being the mother will proceed all other energies. Sure, there will be important people and work and missions in your life, but the space of mothering will emerge at the front of the line. And it will become increasingly challenging to ignore this most ancient of truths. So much so, that at some point all your “other” stuff will suffer until you surrender to the mother you are be(come)ing. This is not a dance you can claim to know already. But you are aware that it exists, and that the beauty and chaos conflating in your wombiverse functions within this dance at a sacred frequency. A vibration reserved for us women who engage deeply in the mothering sphere.

Everyday you’ll step further into this forestry of unknowns. Ironically, you will feel that even though you know nothing, you are still somehow coming into more knowing. And that phenomenon will illuminate an intuitive map that doesn’t require fixed destinations or assurances in order to be of use to you. You will rely on this magical map that only makes itself visible to your soul when you first commit to go on the journey. The mapping will become so second nature to you, an integral resource as you start to trace over choices and awakenings everyday, swap transformation stories with other mothers, discover for the first time pieces of your own mother’s and grandmother’s maps imbedded within your own.

The journey will feel deeply rooted to your past, your present, and your future. Time will take on new meaning as notions of “then” and “now” are permanently oriented to this child, and the stages collaboratively shaping your lives from here on. There are things you’ll want to know about this mothering, but you will only know them at the moment you need to apply them. This dynamic will somedays be so infuriating. And on other days you’ll be so thankful that you didn’t know ahead of time. But however you experience your knowing, trust that it is, by its nature, complete. Yes–that even with the gaps of understanding, the seemingly irreconcilable strands of reality, the urgency of having to make choices for the future with no proof of anything working out–still, your knowing is complete.