We are here and there. We are then and now.
Everything about this season is a blur. The waiting. The urgency. The coming of a new being. And the going of my old self. The anticipation and the patience. The tension and the release. This all causes the moment to toggle back and forth between notions of clarity and oceans of uncertainty. And still there is nowhere to retreat. The growing intensity of each surge in the uterus keeps the swirl of present dualities at the front of every other sensation. This is my being. This is my becoming.
I realize that having surrendered to this present has not afforded me a special preview of what is ahead. I still have to take this journey one step at a time, one contraction at a time. This labor is in the beginning of its beginnings and it’s still incredibly all consuming. Each wave owns my breath, and I have to remember to release it so that I can move on to the next opportunity of discovery. Once again, I have to let go of this now, and fall forward into the truth that I do not know what is next.
Trickles of fear pepper these moments. If there is a secret I keep, even from myself at times, it is that sometimes I do feel afraid of the journey. I am very courageous, I am resilient, my womb has held many stories before this one, and everyday I am grateful that all these miracles have conspired to bring me this child. And with all that awareness, there are moments when I think, Oh no, this is mild. There will be more to come. How will I breathe then? In this admission of vulnerability, the honesty of motherhood lays itself bare, Yes, you will go through this alone. I will be “with people,” my awesome birth team, but I will be the only one whose body is going through such an enormous transition. No one else will be in labor. No one else will work as I am to encourage the baby’s ascent. No one else will feel each part of this movement but me. These truths are liberating, and terrifying, and a core thread weaving through much of what we call mother’s work.
I am excited to be inside this work. I know with each contraction that I am approaching a new way of life. I am already inside the birth canal of a spiritual evolution. And on the other side of birth, I am eager to meet this new woman, this new mother that I am be(come)ing.